...of the reflective.

Is this the end of the moment or just a beautiful unfolding?

Who knows.

I try to write my posts with a sense of humor. My sense of humor is rather odd, but that's who I am. Tonight, I'm not feeling too funny. Just more or less reflective. My mood may be in direct proportion to the rainy weather, but I could also be realizing that I'm coming to the end of a moment.

My resume:
Five year degree in English (May 2010)...ladeefrickingda
Weaknesses: directionless, emotionally unavailable, chronic fatigue, fatness
Strengths: organized, plays well with others?

And the million dollar question: What the hell am I going to do with my life?

I always had great dreams of making it big somewhere. I wanted to be a doctor, but come to find out I'm really shitty at science. Like really shitty. Then I wanted to be a fashion designer/business owner. I guess I blow at math and accounting, too. Okay, I'll admit, it wasn't so much that I wasn't good at the subjects. But did I try in those classes? Nope. I maybe, MAYBE, went to a total of 5 accounting classes all semester. I was "too busy" or "already knew the information." The D- on my transcript looks like a gaping black hole in an otherwise pretty okay shard of paper. I only entered English because I thought that being an author someday sounded like a good time. I can paint the most vivid pictures in my head only meant for paper and for sharing, but is there really money in writing books or poems? Only if you're a sell-out like Danielle Steele.

So far I've narrowed it down to joining Teach For America or taking the LSAT. Neither of which really trip my complete trigger. Well, Teach For America does, but I'm really nervous that I wouldn't get in. Why would they take me? ME? I may not even apply because I'm so scared of rejection.

So, not only do I have no direction in my immediate career future, but my so-called love life has gone down the shitter too. It's my fault. I turned into that married broad who never, ever wanted to do anything sexually physical with a guy. Seriously, the thought of a cock makes me want to puke. ughhahahhhahaa. I think that may fall under the "emotionally unavailable" category on my resume. I really don't want to be with anyone right now. But what happens in 5, 10, 15 years when I do want to be with someone that all the good ones are taken? What if I passed up the man of my dreams because his frickin' penis made me shiver and crawl into a dark, guarded hole. Will I be regretful that I didn't act now? I suppose everything happens for a reason. I just hope that unwritten law applies to the cynics as well.